ODE TO MOM

What would this world be without your vibrance?

This household without your tenderness?

This family sans your devotion?

Me in the absence of your affection?

You’ve got more than character

You’ve got verve, got candor

You don’t do ordinary, boring love

It’s either silent love or tough love

I’ve grown to be stubborn and spunky

So much so that at times I fight even Mommy

And for that, I’ll never stop apologizing

Selfless, you deserve no less than a child so revering

But I could also be laidback and funny

Able to carry myself around uncaringly

Others never let their kids go un-chaperoned

But you let me do my thing, look after my own

They would think you don't pay attention

Truth is I've become my best version

All because you never confined your child to rust

The greatest yield of our maternal bond is trust

What would this world be without your vibrance?

This household without your tenderness?

This family sans your devotion?

Me in the absence of your affection?

Happy birthday, Mommy! 

birthday blues

I was far from excited about my birthday. The closer it came, the more anxious I felt.

And every birthday since I hit 20+ has been like this. It’s like a formula. Every nearing of a birthday is reason for self-evaluation, one which clings more on my negative side.

I don’t like where I’m at right now.

It’s official. I’m literally in my quarter life, and it’s not looking cute. It’s easier to say age is just a number, but that number hits you like rock – because with that number comes a long list of dreadful life issues.

I know I’ve already ranted talked about this a couple of times here and here, but it’s only now that I can say it’s been most real.

I was petty, and I’m being petty again. But what can I do?

I begin with the trivial physical differences. I was used to being the youngest one anywhere I go, may it be in school, at work, in cliques. But not anymore. Even with the artists and musicians I follow on TV and social media, the ones who are my age are now either getting married or having children. The popular it-girls and bands of today are years younger than me. Everybody’s younger than me. Yuck me. To think that this nonsense celebrity blah-blahs never used to bother me one bit.

Then come the youth of today. They are the walking and talking reminder of how much I’ve already been left behind. I can see them girls running around in their school uniform or hanging out in their ragged attire, with no or not much makeup on, still looking sparkly and full of life. Then there’s me. I have to exert so much effort on my face putting makeup on, fixing my hair, myself just so I can at least come close or, if luck would have it, match their effortless freshness.

I see wrinkles forming, and I am all like, “Where did that come from?! WTH?” Add to that some grey hair popping up here and there. But what’s worse, you know what’s way worse? Get this, flaaaaaabs! Ever since I hit my 20s, bloated-ness has been an issue for me when my tummy used to not endure three cups of rice before. There’s apparently this slow metabolism thing. Don’t ask me about it. All I can tell you is it eats away my self-esteem one lumpy fat at a time.

It’s all dawning on me now. I’m recalling just how many times I have taken my own youthfulness for granted. Okay, maybe I didn’t really neglect it. I had an awesome time, but it is a regretful feeling now that this youthfulness is slowly walking out on me.

I’m not being stupid and shallow. This loathing of physical aging is normal, comes first in this crisis most of the time. Don’t dare tell me it’s just me. Are you going to be that hypocritical?

I don’t know where to fit. There’s this constant struggle of having to weigh myself using the age scale.

“Am I already being childish for still doing blah-blah?”

“Is this not cute for me anymore?”

“Girl, you aren’t supposed to do that just yet.”

“Grow up!”

Everything’s revolving and evolving faster than I want. I am just unable to control and slow life down, and that scares the hell out of me. I’m scared. Aren’t we all?

But then again, above the obvious physical change lies the more crucial change, that of priority setting.

I have to take care of everything about myself now – from taking over the basic chores at home, taking care of my own expenses, making my own big decisions. I can’t depend on my mom and dad anymore because that would only make me look irresponsible, and I’m just not up for the sermon. Even when this didn’t happen instantly (I had the time to make gradual adjustments), I still felt loaded.

Then again, it can’t only be just myself.

Now, I must also look after my family. Not because it’s payback time, but because now I think I can. Don’t get me wrong. I want nothing more than be able to serve my parents. I’ve never loved them more than I have now. But my question here is, am I really capable now? I’ll tell you what, NO.

Now this next one’s a favorite recurrence.

Everyone enjoys expecting so much from me – to get promoted, to get married, to bear children, to get my own house. Guys, is there a formula which equates to me getting all these things at once without losing my sanity? And do they all have to happen now? How about, can I work on them at my own pace? Time here is the enemy, but sometimes it’s hard not to confuse time with people especially when they’re acting up like mad dogs on the loose.

Every damn time.

What follows is another string of questions affecting each other. It just makes me question just how much I’ve already done (devaluating what I’ve already accomplished in the process of course), contemplate what else needs to be done and examine self if making enough. Because all these things just really get in your head, believe me.

This, of course, leads me into comparison with other people. You know, because that can’t be avoided. And that’s when I eventually sink into a tiny piece of human being because I’ll get blindsided and all I’ll see is their good life and my pitiful situation.

So now you see what I mean?

All these things are why I was hating on my birthday.

Apparently, this is a good thing.

Can you believe it?

It’s a good thing – not the feeling bad part but the spilling of emotions part.

Apparently, this is a sign that I’m growing old, instead of just getting old.

It’s a reminder that my observations, the changes are all a part of progressive transitioning. And based on what I have written now and what I had written before, there have actually been changes as per my dilemmas. I have learned to let go of some, improve on some, embrace some, completely solve some. Some new struggles have surfaced, but there are also some from before that have been resolved and forgotten.

If anything, if there’s a good that adulthood has caused me, it’s that I’ve learned to let go of physical things. I’m not being literal, just saying I’m at that point where I’m old enough to not lust over much material stuff. Maturity is finding happiness in what’s intangible. This I’d say is a bigger deal than I’m letting on.

Just on my birthday, I asked for two things – one for me, the other for my family. Both are non-material things.   

I’d like to think that this so-called crisis is eventually going to lead me to maturity, and that should be a good thing, right?

Besides, there’s no escaping adult life.

This is not to say though that I’m already over quarter life crisis, not yet.

What? You’re just 19? Oh, you just turned 20? Wait until you hit 25. Good luck!

*I began writing this days before July 1, 2016, my 25^th birthday, when my emotions were in need of an outpour. And even when it’s already August and I’m feeling better now, I thought it would be a waste not to post this. I am leaving this here with an open heart and mind for future reference.

*Photo source: https://www.theodysseyonline.com/having-quarter-life-crisis

Love + Love

Life, indeed, has its surprises. Love, indeed, got me tongue-tied...

Because how do you actually talk about the person you love? It's always been a pressing issue for me since there's so much to tell, and I know for sure that one post is not going to suffice.

Today, though, I abandon the hesitation and let the emotions fall where they may. I really want to write this down now, and I was just making an excuse when I said it is hard even when the struggle is real.

I am nervous and excited all at once as I begin with this.

I have embarked on a new life adventure, a journey which began its course the day I met him, and I'm talking about fireworks going off every moment we're together since then.

Everything started out with qualms. I am a coward, and stuff with no certainty scare me. I took a leap of faith, nonetheless. Thanks to him for giving me the push I needed when I needed it. Had I said no, I wouldn't have been where I am right now or would’ve delayed what would later lead me to this life-changing crossroad.

That’s the first of many things so special about him – his ability to push me on so many levels. To be braver. To be better. To be rational. To be open. He can make me see reason in ways other people can’t because that’s just how he is with me. He’s never scared of telling me the things I do wrong and right. He addresses them so casually that I get stunned myself because oftentimes I just don’t see things the way he does. He puts things in perspective for me. And because of this, I get to work my way around things better. He allows me to come out of my system and open myself up to him because that’s why he’s here for me in the first place – to be my truth.

In my eyes, he is perfect. I see no blemish in the person that is him. His bespectacled eyes are more of a smart feature than a reminder that he sees less clearly because behind those frames hide the smarts I so adore, smarts that can perceive so widely even I myself get surprised at how far they can fathom. His countless moles, I’ve never had this much affection for those pointless dots on anyone before – so much for a distracting nonsense on anyone’s body – until I saw his, love at first sight. But if anyone would ask me what I love the most about his face, I would unblinkingly say that his scars left by premature acne are hands down the best thing about his face. They are imperfectly perfect. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Too smooth and they would’ve made him look less manly than he should. I find calmness in caressing those rough spots, stroking them lovingly. I would see him, and it’s the first thing I would do. I can do it forever for as long it’s his face I’m feeling.

It’s really just the most mundane of things that makes me fall deeper. It’s experiencing his love as manifested by the normal, everyday things he does to and for me. It’s in the things we are most compatible and most opposite with. It’s when his voice cracks in the middle of our conversation. It’s when we laughcry so hard at the stupidest things that we can already see each other’s throats peeking out. It’s how he delights me with all his obsessive compulsion with even the tiniest things. It’s when he would just helplessly surrender to what I want because he knows I will always have my way. It’s seeing how much of a mama’s boy he is. It's basking in his smell so good. It’s when the smallest things I do make him happy. It’s because his aura gives other people the impression that he is this serious and mysterious guy when the truth is he’s just the contrary. It’s when he tries things he’s not used to just for me. It’s how he gently slaps my mouth when I curse. It’s when he compliments my look. It’s when he kisses me on the forehead and gives me one of those really tight hugs which I love the most. It’s when he shows me off to his family. It’s in the way he does all those gentlemanly things to me even when he knows he doesn’t have to baby me always. Then he will go on by telling me why I am worthy of such treatment. It’s when he gives me the grownup talk when I need it most, even when I am reluctant to hear it. It’s when he comes undone to me. It’s when he lets me cry my way out of a problem I caused us and loses his anger the moment he sees my puffy eyes. Aw. It’s when he talks about our future so casually but in that tone of absolute certainty, like he’s that sure of us already. Aaaah, those and everything in between.

When I look at him, stolen glances (because I just really want to savor every bit of him) and intentional stares (which I do to send gestural messages) alike, I can’t help but smile that smile of utter happiness and absolute thankfulness. There are moments, and I mean a lot of those, when, just by looking at him, I experience euphoria. And every time, I mutter a silent prayer/wish for forever. I always get these happy jitters all over me when I realize how much happiness he has brought in my life which I initially thought was already the most I could ever have. I guess there is more, so much more to this romance. I understand now why people go so crazy about this entire love thing.

We are still in the honeymooning phase of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and I am already daydreaming about all the many other things we can try out together, life stories and lessons we can both learn from, habits we will learn to let go and embrace as we go on with this journey, words of wisdom we will live by together and share with each other, and relationship goals we will equally work on to fulfill. I hope to God we don't lose our spark, energy and youth. I guess we’ll never lose this piqued interest, as we plan to keep it this way forever.

Beyond the daydreaming, though, lie more concrete dreams I seek to fulfill, and it feels good to know that I am finally putting my future into consideration. I used to be the type who would just take whatever life throws my way. But now, because I am not only thinking of myself anymore but us, it has become exciting to consider what life ahead holds for us. Future plans become appealing and interesting. Since him, I have dared to become the best person I can be, for his sake and mine. It is easier because he is the positive energy that influences me to do just that. It feels good to know that because I care for him and our relationship so much, I make the effort to strengthen what we have to make things work and last, feels really good to exert effort not because I'm being forced to but because I want to.

I’m happy with the way things are right now and where they are headed. He’s presently my boyfriend, but he’s leisurely turning into the bestest best friend. They say best relationships start with friendship; I say we’ll see what it’s like the other way around.

For you, my love.

An Open Letter to God for Mom

Dear God,

I’m here to pray for someone who multitasks so much in life. This is my prayer about a person who acts as a concerned friend, a devout Christian and follower of the Divine Mercy, a volunteer civil servant, a neighbor, an encourager, a martyr, a punching bag for emotions, a wife, a grandmother, someone every child would want for a mother, (as of late) a very caring sister, and the queen of my universe, my superwoman – my mommy.

She amazes me at how much work she can squeeze in the numbered hours of everyday, how she could attend to so much obligations. She does so much that I feel she almost forgets to look after herself sometimes. So much time for others, so little for herself.

This is my gift for her. She prays a lot for other people. It’s time someone else prays for her too.

I pray for my momma’s health and strength. I’m very much aware that, considering all the hazards present in this lifetime, to reach 60 may already be considered a great blessing for anyone. My mom, well, she’s more than 60 years old now and still hustling it. She’s just the coolest because she manages to maintain the youth of her heart. She’s the favorite lola of all her grandkids for a reason. Ffor that, I’m beyond thankful already, but I also hope she stays this healthy and strong for longer ‘cause we still got a lot in store for her, particularly me. I still haven’t paid back all the good things she had done and is still doing for me.

Even when I already know she’s being showered with love by all the people around her because she’s just as loving in return, I still pray that people won’t get tired of expressing just how much they love her in all the ways they can. This goes especially to us children of hers. Because we have always been so aware of her presence in our lives, we sometimes take her for granted and forget to show her true worth as our mother. I shall strive to be more communicative and appreciative of her.

In connection, I also wish that she sees all the love she’s surrounded by. She has her problems, everyone does, but don’t let her succumb; don’t let them overshadow the more important things, like that of love.

I pray that she doesn’t lose her sense of purpose in this world. She’s a lot of things, and she’s so much more.

May she keep her wisdom intact and use it for the benefit of everyone around her. Let her voice of reason be used to better other people.

I pray that you keep on showering her with blessings, big and small, that she achieves all her other aspirations because I believe she is still entitled to have dreams even at this point in her life.

Most important of all, thank you for giving her her life, best gift of all. If not for her, none of us siblings would be here, so thank you!

It may already be two weeks since her day, but the sincerity of this prayer is as genuine as ever.

Belated happy birthday, mommy! My love for you is way beyond my insensitivity and misgivings. I love you!

Year 2015: Goals and Impressions

I haven’t officially started my blog life this year yet, as I have to compartmentalize the happy clutter that is going on in this heck of a brain first. There’s so much to tell, and I can’t wait to do just that, but I don’t want to do it in such a hurry that I don’t get to give justice to every good thing. And so, I am writing this down as an overview of what’s to come.

In so far as adventures, trips, dates, and plans are concerned, my year is shaping up to be a pretty exciting one. I hope that all of these plans come to life (while I also hope that my pocket won’t be as empty as I indulge hahaha).

Travel is in everyone’s list this year. I want to experience new places near and far. Summer is nearing. We all know what this means. But before all the beaching, there are other important dates in line as well – birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I just can’t wait for everything to happen!

As a solution to my being an ambivert, I shall strive to balance my extroversion with my introversion by spending just as much time going out to see my best buds and the world as staying in for some home time with the family and loved ones and myself. Both are different in experience but same in pleasure.

Books and movies and series, three things I felt I have neglected in the last semester of my 2014 which I have added in my goals list to make up for this year. I am coming back to late nights of binge-everything-ing because that’s what I do.

Writing/blogging was also a bit set aside last year which was a late realization for me. I never want to lose the fire of my love for this diversion, as it’s become a great companion of mine both when I’m feeling down and cheery. It’s also one pursuit in which I wish to improve on greatly, and neglecting it last year was a move which dragged this dream/goal down a bit. So this year I pledge to give this more time and thinking, and more time and thinking. This makes for a great first baby step.

These are just a few of my semi-goals aspirations for this year, but I am not closing doors on any other opportunities. Anything can happen, but now I am not just going to take whatever life gives me. I’ll weigh matters first. That’s another change for me. It’s time.

These things are more personal than career-driven, I know. Career is another matter altogether, and I want to keep my more serious plans to myself in the meantime until I am ready to share them when I have already crafted concrete steps and goals.

Let’s do this one first. J

I love you, 2015! I’m owning you!

Notes On: Being a 20-Something

It’s the wee hour. The clock hits 2:45 in the morning, and I’m still on my laptop. Stumbling upon a blog about being in your 20s lead me to browse back on my own dilemma-loaded Quarterlife post written last year. A thousand and one thoughts hit me with a surge. I get into a reflective mood again, after a long while.

Brooding over my old post, I have seen how so unclear, unsure and confusing being at such a position made me feel. There were questions I couldn’t answer, feelings I couldn’t explain and situations I couldn’t contain. But right at this moment when my heart and mind are one with each other, I can be sure to tell myself that a ton has changed since.

And in a good way.

Being in my 20s has left me feeling like I am in that teenage transition period yet again with so much adjustment I need to do. Only that, now I have to go from being mature age-wise to being really mature as someone imbibing maturity in its real essence because fooling around could impact the life I’ll be having in the future negatively. It’s time to take life seriously, and I’m all for it.

I guess I’m starting to get the hang of it.

There’s so much pressure all around from people who intentionally and unintentionally puts it in the air. There’s a “standard” that 20-somethings must meet and/or surpass when it comes to the things they should be doing and where they should be headed either in career, love or family life. Yes, these things are critical at this stage, but how does boxing ourselves inside these expectations help us? I’ve come to realize that pressure not only makes me hard on myself but also makes me hate those who put it on me. And so, I’ve learned to free myself from such hate. More to the point, I don’t worry about the “standard” much anymore. I will live my life the way I want to, and people don’t get to dictate me on the matter, period.

I’m glad there’s still so much out there that I don’t know. I have this uncanny interest in exploring life more today than when I was younger. Back then, the answers were spoon-fed to me; today, I have the capability of working out answers to questions on my own and experiencing the fulfillment in utilizing self-crafted means to understand and connect the dots that make up this colorful world. People turn to older folks for wise words because they’ve already gone through most of life. I can’t wait to get to that point where one look is all it takes. But whilst it’s still miles ahead, I can enjoy the little discoveries and knowledge here and there.

I’ve always had the fear of missing out whenever there are gatherings, and all my mates would be there but me. But then, I’m discovering that I am slowly but surely starting to outgrow this nonsense. Yes, it’s nonsense because what is there to fear really? I won’t be with them nor will they be with me at all times; circumstances will get in the way, and that’s fine. What we have is not merely measured by the physical presence; ours means so much more. With all we’ve been through together, I’m assured now more than ever that no matter how often or less often we get to be together, our rock-solid friendship will not be tarnished, not one bit. And that even if it has already been days, weeks, months, and years since, when I see them again, it wouldn’t be awkward. It wouldn’t feel like it’s been awhile.

I would always subconsciously beat myself up every time I still couldn’t let go of my old teenager-y ways because it would remind me of how immature I still am. My mentality was that these old habits were what’s holding me back from utter maturity. After some deep thinking (and some self-abhorrence) though, I realized there’s no need to detach myself from such lifestyle. It’s all about moderation. I can keep on enjoying my old ways, but I just have to master the “when” and the “how much” without sacrificing my growth. Besides, as Susanna Kaysen likes to put it, sometimes the only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy. There it is, best of both worlds.

Maturity per se used to be a scary venture for me. And still is, a bit. It used to feel like a death trap with all the baggage it brings. Now I see it as an opportunity. There’s nothing to lose. If I fail along the way, there’ll surely be lessons learned; if things go smoothly then I’m just one lucky son of a bitch.

It’s all about how we see things. Maybe it’s all everyone needs, shifting outlooks a little or changing it completely. It’s surprising how much easier everything could feel.

The bottom line is I’m happy that I’m already in this stage where I’m learning to accept all the changes in my life. I’m happy with all my realizations. I’m embracing everything because, why fight something when it actually leads to even greater things?

Life today makes more sense, and indeed, there is a plan set for everyone. I am seeing mine unfold in front of me, and it’s so beautiful. I’m not saying I understand and get everything now, only that I know everything’s in good faith, and what’s to come is going to be great.

I have a newfound happiness in the realization, acceptance and embracing of all these things. This is my rite of passage to maturity.

Thank you, 2013!

It has come to this. Another year reached its end. And instead of saying goodbye, I’d so much prefer to just thank it for everything – the good and the bad, the wild and the chill, the little and the big, the old and the new.

So here goes…

2013, thank you for:

• All the firsts in my life in the past year.
• The special birthday treats I got.
• The Hot Air Balloon Fest. It was my first time; it was colorful, and it was awesome!
• Letting me experience Cagbalete Island. It was so beautiful, too beautiful it almost felt otherworldly. And for a moment, it was ours.
• All the unplanned adventures. They made 2013 so much more memorable than was expected. There’s always something exciting about not knowing what lies ahead and just acting on impulse.
• My family. Pure love. Only now did I realize how much love I have for my family. It’s not even something I can put in words or measure in any way.
• Mommy for being her most selfless and most patient self that I have seen her.
• Letting Daddy go home and spend some time with us. Precious three months of my life!
• My nieces and nephews. How did we get this close again? J
• My dearest friends – high school and college – the extensions of my family.
• The people who chose to stick with me through it all. They have always been like that.
• The new people I have met. Having new people in my life feels refreshing. And so far, they have been such wonderful additions.
• Justin Bieber. Hahahaha! (I thought a million times about whether or not I should put his name, and in the end, I decided to just keep it on the list. Lol #sorrynotsorry) What can I do? I fell in love. Bwaha.
• The books I’ve read, the movies/TV shows I’ve watched, and the songs I’ve listened to in the past year. They have kept me company during my down days, brought me to places I’ve never been, taught me lessons I never would have learned, and introduced me to characters I didn’t know would have such special place in my heart.
• The last season of Breaking Bad. It was so heavy, a bittersweet goodbye to Jesse and Mr. White. They will be missed.
• How I Met Your Mother Season 9. It has been a dragging season, but I’m not complaining. It’s like delaying my goodbye to close friends in the form of Barney, Ted, Robin, Marshall, and Lily.
• The you-know-what. J
• The long break. Thank you for the free time to let me do what I want or not do anything at all. I have long wanted it, and now I have it. Maybe it’s been far too long a break, but like I always say, what the hell, it’s fun.
• I was still active in all the CAS and LPL activities. There was the CAS Week, the Foundation Week and the alumni meetings. They made me feel like I never left Lyceum after all.
• Letting me pass the Civil Service Exam. It means a lot to me. Now I can say I have passed a certain legit examination.
• The cold breeze of Tagaytay. It jumpstarted all the Christmas cheers and feels of the season.
• Christmas!!! Not only was it an opportunity to celebrate His birth, it was also a good time to get together and bond with my loved ones over yummy meals, treats and gifts! I saw the people I haven’t seen for a long time. It’s the most wonderful time of the year for so many reasons!
• The disasters. Actually, I am not thankful for them so much as I am thankful for the Filipinos’ resilience, strength and faith. Also, if not for these tragedies, we wouldn’t have seen who the people who really care for us are.
• Helping me become better at voicing out my thoughts and expressing my feelings. It must have been the blogging, the watching, the reading, the listening, the listener, the willingness, or all of them that made me feel more comfortable about it. 
• All the beautiful dreams and truths.
• That particular kind of freedom. It came at the right time, and it came in smoothly.
• I have become a stronger person.
• I have become a kinder and more responsible human being. But I still have to work on a lot of things. Now that’s something for 2014.
• I have become more understanding of where other people are coming from. I learned that having more than one perspective allows a person to be impartial and make better judgment calls.
• The humbling experiences. There have been so many of them, and I could not feel more blessed now. They made me see things differently. I am now more appreciative of the things I used to ignore before. They taught me two of the most fulfilling lessons in life – give more and expect less.
• This life. It’s not perfect, but it’s awesome. J
• Your end. Your end leads to a new year. I now have the chance to go back to ground zero and be something different and better from who I used to be in the past year.
• The clean slate, the chance for something new.

It’s true what they say, a lot can happen in a year, and I never would have imagined that I will be where and who I am right now a year ago. Wild! Thank you, 2013! We had so much fun.

Hello, 2014! Whatchagot? Lezgeriron! ;)

Time to start the New Year with a bang! 

*Browse previous posts for photo credits.

Quarterlife

Lately, I’ve been in the mood for reflection and writing. There are many things going on around me, and writing them down is the only way to keep track.

In this post, I rant and rave about my age. In long and winding paragraphs.

Turning 22 gave rise to a commotion in my head. I’m baffled at how when I turned 20 and 21 I didn’t quite feel any different, but now that I’m 22 I sense something’s changed. That change, whatever it is, hangs in the air like mad that it almost feels tangible.

Before midlife comes quarterlife crisis, and this is it, or something somewhat like it.

I already feel so old. People may say I’m still young, but no, I already feel like I’m running out of days to live, and that’s not even figurative. There is an unspoken and looming pressure reminding me that at this point in time I should be doing and doing if I ever dare wish to accomplish so much, not even asking if I am up for the challenge.

I have goals, yes. The thing is, I don’t act on them. Not yet. As of this moment, idleness has gained sovereignty over my mind and body. It’s like my career and ambition bound self took a detour for a hiatus. More than a year has passed, and there’s not one progress whatsoever in my life. But really, I just don’t know where to proceed with this clusterf*ck of a life. People think it’s simple, but it’s not. And because I have no idea what to do, I choose to detach myself from the issue at hand. To put it bluntly, I procrastinate; to cover it nicely, life stalls me.

This is that age where fantasies begin falling to pieces. This is where I start realizing that some dreams of mine are far-fetched. And this is not being hopeless or pessimistic, just realistic. I must begin to narrow down my long list of aspirations, so that later on it would be less heartbreaking. Hard truth and tough luck go hand in hand these days.

By now, I already know where and what I want to be. It’s just that I can’t figure out the how of it all. How do I become what I want to be and how do I get where I want to be? It’s always questions. More questions. And no answers.

Also, at this age, after everything that has come and gone, I’m still scared of walking this world. It’s too big for me.

That is the initial overreaction to the added year in my life – nothing but a bad omen to a future that would be even worse. But now, the more I reflect on it, the lesser it becomes depressing and the more it gets stimulating. Maybe it’s just PMS bribing the inner whiner in me the first time. There is actually a brightside. Some sort of a silver lining.

Hormones are acting up again, but this time I see all things in bright and upbeat colors. I start to rave.

I’m 22, and I’m free to do almost anything. I’m at that legal age where I CAN do a lot in life on my own freewill, trivial and life-changing matters included. And now that the parents have loosened up and are more often found in the sidelines, the final decisions are mine to make. If that’s not freedom, well, I don’t know what is.

I’m 22, and I live for the now. I feel so full of life. I’m not yet too old to easily get tired just thinking of going out for an adventure. On the contrary, the thought of it makes my adrenaline spike to an all time high. That thing the youth of today always say, YOLO? I totally dig that. I’m 22, and spurs of the moment are my thing. An equally energetic company is all it takes to sustain the full-blast fun.

I’m 22, and sometimes it’s matter over mind. Whenever I feel like it, I decide without thinking. There are moments when it feels good to not think things through and just leave everything to chance, because being always sure about one’s self can bore the life out of a person. Sometimes I feel I’m making more sense when I just trust my instinct and play along life’s surprises. Sometimes it’s all about letting loose and being silly.

Putting the last statement in consideration, I’m 22, and I’m still allowed to be stupid. I’m at an age where foolishness is tolerated but not recommended. Sure, I’m already expected to act mature, but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt if I’d go back to being that happy-go-lucky and innocent teenager every once in a while, or more often than that. It’s fun, you know. There is freedom in naïveté.

That being said, I also have to assert that curiosity is not yet overrated. There’s still so much room for knowledge. In fact, my hunger for learning is stronger now more than ever. I feel that my grasp for meanings and ideas is at its prime these days, and I want to use and abuse it while it lasts.

I’m 22, and there is pleasure in not doing anything. Bumming around all day seems like a good life mantra. Sometimes when problems come up, I just ignore them for a while there. I let them hang a bit and enjoy life as usual. I’m the only one who’d suffer the consequences later on, so I might as well delay them. It’s also noteworthy to know that there is a different kick I get in doing things that do not matter, and that I find even more enjoyable.

I’m 22, and my problems now are much simpler than the ones I’d be facing when I turn 30 and 40, so there’s no need to sweat the small stuff. The real problems are not about to come up anytime soon, so worrying this early won’t get me anywhere. Living life fully is the only logical action to follow now. Procrastination is an ever recurring disease.

I’m 22, and the love I’m getting from family and friends and God is unyielding. It’s surprising what a strong support system can do to someone. Yes, I crave affection. And yes, I bathe in it. I think that’s reason enough to not feel bad about anything at all. With this in mind, I also wish to meet more people and grow in understanding with them. Human connections will forever fascinate and intrigue me.

I’m 22, and dreams and goals keep me going. I have a vision.

All these are the clutter that has been bringing confusion in my head for a while now. When they just pop out of nowhere at random instances, it’s hard to know what to make of them, because they don’t look like they make sense even when they do. The flaws and upsides of being in the early 20s may jumble and contradict each other, but they just either complement or spice up one another. Now that I think about it, I see that it’s actually just a phase in this ever changing life, perhaps an interesting one.

Understand that a 22-year-old’s state of mind is like a kaleidoscope. All there is are patterns confusing and erratic, but people look nonetheless because they are colorful, interesting and delightful to the eyes.

To simply explain it, this is the writing of a 22-year-old girl.

I’m anything but consistent.

Decisions and stuff

The thing about decisions is… it sucks.

Sucks to a point where even in the littlest things we have to make them. Why can't just things happen? Why can't we just go with the flow and not give a care in the world, so that later on we won't have to wonder about why things are like this or like that? They get to you, you know.

We can't simply because we can't. Period.

I hate that I'm powerless against my brain, that I can't shut off the part of it which forces me to think of life's whys and ifs. I mean, come on, do I really have to torture myself with thoughts I don’t want to have? Can I just please jump to that part where everything is okay and perfect right now? If only I could, I would.

But maybe, just maybe, life would be less meaningful and livable if I skipped this part. Maybe I'd be less of a person without it. Not maybe. Exactly.

Though I know this, nothing has changed. I’m still disgusted by the idea of making decisions because I always end up making the wrong call.

I’m not writing this so I can justify the mistakes that I have made. Not even to put the blame on anyone or myself. What good would that do? Some may think this is a cry for help. No. This is me acknowledging what’s wrong. I’m doing this to let go of long-kept emotions and clear my head, because finally the weight of my decisions has dawned on me. I see everything now, and what I see is an ugly sight.

Missed chances.

Awful consequences.

Sugarcoated blame.

And random self-loathing. Ugh.

We are sometimes afraid of decisions because we know they define who we are; more so, where we are and what we do right now may be rooted from the choices we made in the past. Some of our decisions from before will try to catch up with our present, even with our future. We’re scared because we have to take responsibility for them after some time, if not now. Maybe it’s just me. Or is it?

I think good decision-making, just like wisdom, comes with age. And from that point of view, I’m still that infantile three-year old late bloomer who has yet to learn how to walk without wobbling and talk without stuttering. Even worse, I think I’ll stay this way for a while.

I failed. I thought discussing (rambling about) it here would make things better. It didn’t.

Or maybe it did. I don’t know.

That being said, I don’t want to pretend I’m feeling better because I’m not. I’m not yet done with my rants. But I’ve already said too much here, so I’ll just continue where I left off inside my head.

And as much as I want to give this a somewhat hopeful end, I can’t for two reasons. One, because I still can’t accept the fact that I’ve let my judgment be clouded by doubt; two, because this isn’t the end yet. In fact, this is just the beginning.

Someday soon, when this is all over, I’ll stop questioning life.

WORDPLAY

“Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it.”                                                                                                          ― Buddha

To put things in perspective, passion is seen when what’s inside one’s heart and soul comes to fruition. Like fuel to the flame, it kindles a person’s imagination to not let it stay an imagination. One NEEDS to do something about it.

People’s passions in life are incredibly diverse it’s wonderful and mysterious at the same time. Some have this ineffable thing for numbers, some for aesthetics, some for space and dimension, others for things intangible.  As for me, I have this thing for words and thoughts.

I want to be a writer, a really good one.

One’s aspirations in life, assuming that one is lucky enough, may be realized at a young age, or may be later in life. Mine was before I graduated in college. If anything, I wish I could’ve realized it sooner. I was dreading all the writing stuff we used to have in school back then. I would often, if not all the time, produce works which weren’t given so much thought, the kind of outputs that would surely give me a passing score but not one that would leave an impression on my teachers and classmates. I have lost a lot of chances at learning because of this. Such a sad truth. That being said, there’s no need to dwell on moments and opportunities we can never get back.

“Why writing,” you ask. For starters, writing because it’s the simplest form of art. A pen, a paper, a lot of great ideas, and I’m good to go. But more importantly, here’s why - because I suck at telling stories. My great tales lose their oomph once they’ve come out of my mouth. I hate it when it happens, and it happens a lot.  But when I write them down, it just all feels right. I get to say the right things at the right time with the right emphasis. I get to relate and connect to other people better. And errors, they are easier to undo. Writing because it’s a form of release, an avenue for things you can’t say. It’s a solution to problems, to things misunderstood. But more than anything, writing because it’s the best way I know how to channel my thoughts.

I want to write, the kind of writing you do for yourself. While a lot of people would say this is what they actually do, write to both free and feed their minds primarily, sometimes they just lose it along the way. When others start admiring them for what they do, their goal suddenly becomes pleasing others and gaining more praises. They eventually get eaten up by thoughts of what people would have to say or what people would think. That poisons the purity of one’s passion. I don’t want that to happen to me. I want to have consistency. I want to be true to what I do and keep it that way. Before others can appreciate my work, I’d have to make sure I appreciate it myself.

I know this is a long shot, but I’ll just take comfort in the fact that, at least, I’ve already found my niche. I’m proud to say that I’m trying to do something about it. 

And this, this is a good start. J

Photo source: http://favim.com/image/185639/