It’s the wee hour. The clock hits 2:45 in the morning, and I’m still on my laptop. Stumbling upon a blog about being in your 20s lead me to browse back on my own dilemma-loaded Quarterlife post written last year. A thousand and one thoughts hit me with a surge. I get into a reflective mood again, after a long while.
Brooding over my old post, I have seen how so unclear, unsure and confusing being at such a position made me feel. There were questions I couldn’t answer, feelings I couldn’t explain and situations I couldn’t contain. But right at this moment when my heart and mind are one with each other, I can be sure to tell myself that a ton has changed since.
And in a good way.
Being in my 20s has left me feeling like I am in that teenage transition period yet again with so much adjustment I need to do. Only that, now I have to go from being mature age-wise to being really mature as someone imbibing maturity in its real essence because fooling around could impact the life I’ll be having in the future negatively. It’s time to take life seriously, and I’m all for it.
I guess I’m starting to get the hang of it.
There’s so much pressure all around from people who intentionally and unintentionally puts it in the air. There’s a “standard” that 20-somethings must meet and/or surpass when it comes to the things they should be doing and where they should be headed either in career, love or family life. Yes, these things are critical at this stage, but how does boxing ourselves inside these expectations help us? I’ve come to realize that pressure not only makes me hard on myself but also makes me hate those who put it on me. And so, I’ve learned to free myself from such hate. More to the point, I don’t worry about the “standard” much anymore. I will live my life the way I want to, and people don’t get to dictate me on the matter, period.
I’m glad there’s still so much out there that I don’t know. I have this uncanny interest in exploring life more today than when I was younger. Back then, the answers were spoon-fed to me; today, I have the capability of working out answers to questions on my own and experiencing the fulfillment in utilizing self-crafted means to understand and connect the dots that make up this colorful world. People turn to older folks for wise words because they’ve already gone through most of life. I can’t wait to get to that point where one look is all it takes. But whilst it’s still miles ahead, I can enjoy the little discoveries and knowledge here and there.
I’ve always had the fear of missing out whenever there are gatherings, and all my mates would be there but me. But then, I’m discovering that I am slowly but surely starting to outgrow this nonsense. Yes, it’s nonsense because what is there to fear really? I won’t be with them nor will they be with me at all times; circumstances will get in the way, and that’s fine. What we have is not merely measured by the physical presence; ours means so much more. With all we’ve been through together, I’m assured now more than ever that no matter how often
less often we get to be together, our rock-solid friendship will not be
tarnished, not one bit. And that even if it has already been days, weeks,
months, and years since, when I see them again, it wouldn’t be awkward. It
wouldn’t feel like it’s been awhile.
I would always subconsciously beat myself up every time I still couldn’t let go of my old teenager-y ways because it would remind me of how immature I still am. My mentality was that these old habits were what’s holding me back from utter maturity. After some deep thinking (and some self-abhorrence) though, I realized there’s no need to detach myself from such lifestyle. It’s all about moderation. I can keep on enjoying my old ways, but I just have to master the “when” and the “how much” without sacrificing my growth. Besides, as Susanna Kaysen likes to put it, sometimes the only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy. There it is, best of both worlds.
Maturity per se used to be a scary venture for me. And still is, a bit. It used to feel like a death trap with all the baggage it brings. Now I see it as an opportunity. There’s nothing to lose. If I fail along the way, there’ll surely be lessons learned; if things go smoothly then I’m just one lucky son of a bitch.
It’s all about how we see things. Maybe it’s all everyone needs, shifting outlooks a little or changing it completely. It’s surprising how much easier everything could feel.
The bottom line is I’m happy that I’m already in this stage where I’m learning to accept all the changes in my life. I’m happy with all my realizations. I’m embracing everything because, why fight something when it actually leads to even greater things?
Life today makes more sense, and indeed, there is a plan set for everyone. I am seeing mine unfold in front of me, and it’s so beautiful. I’m not saying I understand and get everything now, only that I know everything’s in good faith, and what’s to come is going to be great.
I have a newfound happiness in the realization, acceptance and embracing of all these things. This is my rite of passage to maturity.